தமிழில் Femina

The magazine hated by almost all men is now coming out in regional languages! Femina now has a tamizh edition. I wanted to read it so much that I got the first issue today and read it cover to cover. This time, in addition to the general feeling of being deprived from the bare necessities to survive in this world like Dior heels and MAC make-up, I was on the floor laughing. No, it wasn't because of that regular constipated look anorexic models sport or because of the plain stupidity of the magazine trying to be "south-indianish" writing gossip about Sussanne Roshan.

It was the Tamizh! OH. MY. GOD. Google translates better. For example, there was a small interview of Kausalya Nathan, the lifestyle expert. It said,

"பெமினா தமிழுக்கு என் இதயப்பூர்வமான வணக்கத்தை தருகிறேன்."

Bwahahaha, get it?! The book was full of such translations. There was this section presumably on how to improve relations at office. It asked me to ask "வாழ்க்கை எப்படி சென்று கொண்டிருக்கிறது?" to all my colleagues. No, really. I laughed like a maniac. I started imagining how facebook would be if all our conversations were in femina tamizh.

(Yes, I have an exam tomorrow and I am really this jobless. You can stop blaming my nose of being buried in the book 24x7.)

ஏய்! வணக்கம்! எப்படி செய்து கொண்டிருக்கிறாய்?

நான் நன்றாக இருக்கிறேன்


அதனால், மேலே என்ன இருக்கிறது?

ஒன்னும் இல்லை  ரொம்ப ஆண்மகனே! எதுவும் நடக்கவில்லை.


நீளமான நேரம், இல்லை பார்வை!!!!



உனக்கு தெரியாதா? கல்லூரி!!


*சிரிக்கிறேன் சத்தமாக* அதனால், என்ன நடக்கிறது உன் வாழ்க்கையில்? காதல் முன்னாடியில்?

ஒண்ணுமே நடக்கமாட்டேன் என்கிறது! போன மாதம் கூட ஒரு பெண்ணை அடிக்க பார்த்தேன். ஆனால் அவள் என்னை அறைந்துவிட்டாள்.


ஓ என் கடவுளே!

அதனால் முதல் சதுரத்திற்க்கே வந்துவிட்டேன்.

என்ன ஆச்சு போன வருடம் நீ வெளியே சென்றுகொண்டிருந்த பெண்ணிற்கு?


நாங்கள்  உடைந்துவிட்டோம் மேலே.

காளை சாணமே! நீ உன் மனதிற்கு வெளியே இருக்கிறாய்! எனக்கு என்ன சொல்வதென்றே தெரியவில்லை.

வா மேலே ஆண்மகனே! நானே சுலபமாக எடுத்து கொண்டுவிட்டேன். மறந்துவிடு அதை. சரி, எழுத்துப்பணி உள்ளது. ஆசிரியர் சாவுகோட்டை நாளை என்று வைத்துவிட்டார். நான் செல்ல வேண்டும்.


சரி, கடலா, தொட்டுக்கொண்டே இரு.

கடலா.

 I am not giving the translation as it will spoil the fun. Have fun speaking femina thamizh!

என் translate கலையை வளர்த்த  Vinay அண்ணாவிற்கு மிக்க நன்றி. :P :P

N.A.M.E.S

  Woah! It’s been such a long time since i or any of the other four buggers wrote in this place. As usual I am back to the rescue. This is what the Venk has cooked up and finally you can smell it!

Let me get straight to the point. I hung out at St Thomas mt quite a few times these past months and couldn’t help but notice how people get a kick from writing their “name” on walls. It is kind of okay if it is on facebook, but dude why would you want to write it on buses, trains, statues and what ever thing you can lay your hand on. Gosh! even the tomb of some Caucasian dude! 

 

I have been noticing this “name meme” ever since my college days, when i used to travel via train. There is this area in train where it reads “No ADs”, the next day you see them, they would be covered with

"PART TIME JOB Rs 10000 salary, no sales job! 100% REAL call 420420420”

The guts these guys have to leave their phone numbers in place where sticking bills are strictly prohibited! hahaha That’s like an open invitation to the authorities to take action and yet they fail too!

  Then there are these superheroes who push the train and then jump into the train and travel on the footboard. That’s least of my concern but the place where they “hang” quite literally would be filled up with, yeah you’ve guessed it right! NAMES. O_o If you are new, there are so many “GUYS” around here, let me list some memes;

“LIC heightu <insert your “gang” name> weightu”,

“<insert your name> loves <insert your one side louve’s name>”,

“Mr.<insert your name>& Mrs.<insert your GF’s>”

“ <insert all the buggers in your “gang”> “THE <insert some inane bullshit> GUYS” and also “The <insert the bus route you travel> Guys”

The most famous and widely used gang name around here is “THE DANGER GUYS” Nothing rivals this gang name with people around here! It gives a “daredevilry”, “adventurous” and “spooky” feel to the whole thing! Usually they are accompanied with a skull and 2 bones to go with “gang” name. The weirdest I’ve seen are “HI GUYS” and “Black shirt Guys” bwhahaha Now what kind of a name was that?!

They even wrote below some Caucasian dude who visited St Thomas mount place. Oh I forgot this eternal symbol ♥ and then an → goes through it.

 

I really feel for this dude! Jeez even his tomb! He can’t even rest in peace!

 

I think many of you guys would have seen the end coming with “NAMES” being the title. Ah! Still IT DOESNT MATTER! :-p

 

The Venk has got only one thing to tell all these “frofessional name writers” IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT YOUR NAMES IS! So please stop screwing public property, instead screw yourself with permanent tattoos if you have guts.

UPDATE: Here is the update of N.A.M.E.S pictures! I took recently http://on.fb.me/gjEYqU watch and enjoy!

VenCurd Vennesh and the Ven"gay"ams!!!!!!!

DISCLAIMER

All the characters in this following post “MIGHT be” fictional and coincidences “COULD BE” intentional!!!

“For its uncertainty, we cannot flee the future”

-Barbara Jordan

PROLOGUE:

That Saturday evening when Vennesh and Peter were reviving their long lost practice of CHENNAI-91 style of cricket, the former received that phone call!

Hanging on the doorway of Chennai’s most fav transportation, the MRTS, Vencurd was pushing for some one to pick on the call!

And in the nerdy study room of hers , miss. Mary was thinking of her damned assignments that she had to submit the day after, when she received a similar call!

The poet, amidst his busy schedule had received it too!

NONE OF THE FIVE REALISED THE EFFECT THAT PHONE CALL WOULD TRIGGER ON THEIR LIVES!

THE PLOT

“hey ,hello vencurd here! What about a pwndaworse meet up morrow?” ,the voice announced.

“I’ll ask Peter now wait.”, and after a pause ,”he has semester practicals on Monday .But says he ll try and make it”

“give him the phone, vencurd here da, dai come tomorrow.”

“95% I ll make it mate”

And then Peter turned to Vennesh ,”macha, screw the practicals, I’M IN”

And when all was well, The Poet got some work and turned his hand

s out on the final second.

Neither mary nor Peter realized how much of an intrusion they would turn out to be!

When Peter, Vennesh and Vencurd boarded the CLASS-A share auto,

peter started to realise the small changes and he could feel the atmosphere intensify!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eCc3hGONPQ

When Mary too finally joined them, Peter and she ,irrespective of the fact that this was their first meeting, could feel one thing in unison, AWKWARDNESS in the air!

When they all sat down to begin that meet of theirs everything became clear!From Kalima to CCD to Marybrown wherever they went cupid was there to strike'em!

And from that moment on, Peter and Mary could only give e

ach other glares that meant only

“C’MON GUYS, WHY US IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR DATE!!!!?”

Romance filled the entire space and Vencurd and vennesh became more and more intimate!

The photo-shoot to mark this world famous meeting became a platform for the couple to show their affection and love towards one another !All that the guys missed was the poet to sing on their love!

Finally when it was time for everybody to depart Vencurd dedicated this song to Vennesh!

I've been waiting for the moon light
I've been waiting for the lonely sky
all night stranger in one own life
I've been waiting for the life time for you

And……………………………….................

EPILOGUE

..................Vennesh woke up with a shudder and texted all the four.

And received the following replies

Vencurd ,”Gommala yei:-/ mani moonu paduthu thoongu”

Mary, ”disturb me not when I do my EG!”

Peter dozed off

Vennesh could not chuck this dream from his thought!

And superstition has it that early morning dreams go on to become reality!

He Thought whether it was the hangover of “TELL ME YOUR DREAMS”, and not able to decide clearly he started doin what he does best! Sending ”BLOG UPDATED:)” texts to everybody!

And the rest is HISTORY!!!!

“For its uncertainty, we can’t flee the future!”

-Barbara Jordan!

Those Three Words

He was filled with her thoughts,
Engulfed in her words,
Least did he expect
Those three words from her.

She had set an eye on him
From the very first day they met.
Aware of this was he,
Make it well-known did she.
His heart started to pound
Whenever she crossed his mind.
He lost his focus;
He lost his patience.
Least did he expect
Those three words from her.

His dreams she visited;
His sleep she disturbed,
Leaving our hero highly perturbed.
It was his first time.
No one had uttered
Those three words to him.

So, he was scared like hell
When his manager said,
"Meet the deadline."

Sundal Status - The Complete Story

Hey there,
I know its been terribly long since I posted anything here. That's because I have been doing most of my posting on facebook. This Navarathri I had been setting sundal status messages. And now since sundal is food, I am using it as an excuse to get over my block in this blog.

Caution: Some Bombay-heroine level tamizh might be necessary to understand some status messages or statii as Pramodh would put it.

Day 0: - Trailer

The whole idea of setting status messages related to sundal came about after the tremendous response this status got.

Day 1:

 Please excuse.
Day 2:

 I was to see Enthiran that weekend.
Day 3:

The clear winner of the entire series with a whopping 43 comments. But that might have been also because the comment section was used instead of the lame facebook chat feature.

Day 4:

Being the only girl in my class, I spend an insane amount of time alone staring at walls from my darn first bench. That bench is having effects on me - I can't believe I set up a status like this.

Day 5:

I actually wrote this down in my notebook in the pretext of taking notes about "Rules to be followed while writing a pseudocode". :P

Day 6:

That pseudocode status was probably cursed. I was made to write the assignment pseudocodes on board the next day. Not that I am scared of standing in front of an entirely testosterone charged mechanical engineering class but my handwriting on board isn't what you would call "nice" or even legible.

So in an effort to wash away the curse, I tried to pwn the VTV dialogue. But like every one of my VTV pwnage has went till today, I went to pwn myself. Like Vinay put it, the parody turned out to be a "paer-idi" for the sundal status reputation.

Day 7:

After 3 likes, I discovered the epic typo in  my status. It was supposed to read "three lines". But people were "LOL"ing, "ROFL"ing and "Hahaha"ing already, so I just let it go :P

Day 8:

Please keep your rubber chappals to yourself. :P

Day 9:

I belong to category 2. And I can't wait for the next Navarathri already!

Shaken and Stirred

There was nothing wrong with Jim.
He was absolutely normal.
Everyone liked him.
Always jovial was he, seldom formal.

Still, jolly Jim had a sad side.
No one knew of it.
That part he chose to hide,
To talk of it seemed to him unfit.

Every night, after the lights went off,
After the house became totally calm.
Jim would let out a sporadic cough,
Shielding it with a folded palm.

Violently would his body shake,
His hands in one direction, his legs in another.
It was natural and not fake.
Unaware of this was his sleeping mother.

Like the feathers of an electrified hen
Would the strands of his hair stand straight.
Then he would resemble fish caught by men,
The way it'd shake when it takes the bait!

This went on for many a week.
Poor young Jim, shaky boy.
Sometimes this would reach its peak.
So sad; his nights he couldn't enjoy.

One night did his mom wake up;
She headed directly to the kitchen.
When she was looking for a water cup
Did she see Jim, the electrified chicken.

In a hurry she went to see what's wrong.
Terrified was she, poor lady.
Knew she not this was happening for long,
She felt the need to inform Jim's daddy.

"Oh dear Jim! What's wrong with you?!
Thank god, I was around this time."
Saying so, teardrops spilled she a few
And hurried to fetch the juice of lime.

Confused, got up the young lad.
He knew not why his mother cried.
There was no reason for her to be sad.
He waited till the frenzy died.

"Ma, I just keep dancing lying down,
Listening to Armin's trance music.
In the magical beats do I literally drown.
Not enjoying it makes me sick."

Jim's mom started to laugh,
Thinking of her son's passionate craze.
Once again, to bed she was off.
Before that she threw the juice on his face.

“Parking in front of the gate” syndrome

    In the South Indian city of Chennai, there exists a place which is similar to that of the Kashmir, Jafferkhanpet/Ashok Nagar. No stone throwing but just rocking. There has been a long standing border dispute between Jafferkhanpet and Ashok Nagar which share the same postal code 600083. I am literally VenCAT on the wall, so our address reads both with Jafferkhanpet and Ashok Nagar. Our Apartment, one can say is in the LOC. One of the problems that exist here is “No parking in front of the gate” syndrome. Pretty every Apartment has this board hung over its main gate and bunch of vehicles in front of it. The vehicles range from car, auto to cycle!

   Let us now dwell into the prospect of the “terror” who hails in our Apartment.  Our terror! aka ParQueen, without any care in the world, parks her vehicle in front of the gate, just when my Dad leaves in his car. I am the one who performs the function of the gate opener/closer/vehicle clearer for my dad. That is why i am lamenting here.

  Not one but four “No Parking in front of gate” boards, along with the placer’s pimpage are hung on the Apartment gate. Out of the four, two boards pimped some Soda Buddi Buddies aka Optical companies, one a textile company ( like it needed this dreaded board in this disputed area to advertise it) and last one is #epic. When people move from one place to another, the packing and moving enterprise hangs a board which signifies that it had left an indelible imprint on that particular apartment. The irony here is that he parks the truck in front of gate blocking any space that is left. What is even more #epic is that there are a few Idea Manis who stick bills on that board itself! Look what they have done, “Please Dont Park here” has become “Please Park here”

I tried the technique of Gandhigiri where Munnabhai cleans the entrance when a person repeated spits in the same place and then on seeing Munnabhai cleaning it, the guy changes his mind and he stops spitting. Days went, weeks went, months went and my biceps bulged as i had to carry the vehicle off every morning but for Sundays. Sometimes you have to use “Gaandugiri” (Strictly in Madras Tamil which means “to irritate someone”) instead of Gandhigiri . You can do the following

1. Pull off the air from the tyres and act as if some crow had done it.
2. Create obstacles by placing stones and strategically planned places.
3. Handle with utmost “carefulness” while clearing the vehicle.
4. If none of these work, move the “No Parking” board to some other place like this and then shift it somewhere. The rest will follow!

“Wherever and whenever a no parking sign appears they will take an avatar and park, stick bills, spit, litter and Pee with a capital P!”

There are thick skinned cases like in mine. You just have to learn to see bullcrap as fertilizer, render them hopeless and write off these cases to Gandhi a/c. At least i can flex my biceps!